The risen sun is too bright in her losing eyes;


Thursday 5 June 2014

I think its more terrifying for things to be good right now than it was when I wanted to kill myself… I’ve got things to lose now, I’ve got people and family and Oliver. I have never been so terrified of my depression and PTSD and self harm as I am right now. 

Wednesday 7 August 2013 10:26PM

For the first time while driving today i had a suicidal thought… its been a while since thats happened does that mean every things going to get bad again? i was behind a truck and i just thought about how easy it would be to just keep driving into it and hopefully i would die….im so tired of watching people walk away. Towards the end of our session today he told me that he wouldn’t leave and he would hug me if thats what it would take and that he won’t ignore me when i need  him and he told me everything i needed to hear to be able to open up to him even more. i told him my apprehensions and he hasn’t responded yet. i mean he said he won’t leave but he has to as some point… I don’t know i feel like a break downs coming or at least it seems like one is i’ve almost completely relapsed…

Sunday 25 November 2012 2:50PM

I really hate that as much as you may seem to know someone you really have no idea what they’re hiding from you. As much as you may Skype and text you really have to be naive and put blind faith in someone to be an honest person. I don’t understand why someone would not tell someone something, I consider that a lie because they chose not to even tell me, I would love to be just as happy for you but I can’t because you tried to play me. I don’t even know what you thought you would accomplish by lying to me? Feel free to answer me  when you see this post. 

Thursday 23 August 2012 9:37AM

I don’t know if i can do this… I love you, I need you but theres so much pain in my  life when you’re in it, but i don’t know if i can live without you. I don’t know what to do.

Thursday 09 August 2012 9:18PM

I just felt the shift. I don’t know if anyone else is aware of how that feels but its a shift none the less that makes me quake and feel like my blood has stopped flowing… the shift is the shift of death the shift that makes me yearn for something so unmentionable it hurts. This is it, and until i shift into white, I’m stuck here unbearably treading the blue that brings me to my knees. 

Thursday 09 August 2012 10:43 AM

I had therapy yesterday… i couldn’t talk. i feel really bad when i get like that but i just couldn’t form the words i needed to. I hate it when I’m okay for a little bit and then everything goes bad again and i can’t even be happy when I’m okay because I’m just waiting for everything to fall down again. I’m so tired of living like this. i apparently need to work on “self blame” or thats what my T said but its just a mindset… i can’t change it because its true.Everything is my fault it always has been.

Wednesday 25 July 2012

I don’t know what to do. I’m beyond tired of my emotions and the roller coaster ramp they seem to be on. It took almost 50 last night to actually feel normal, to feel anything. Its funny that my answer to self hate also is my reason for it… i just honestly don’t know anymore. 

Saturday 21 July 2012 3pm

I hate when i can feel that every things about to be bad again. It’s not fair… everything seemed like it was okay for a little while and then it just feels like everything negative is waiting in a little corner of my mind, just waiting until enough negativity builds up and has to flood my brain. I don’t want to deal with any  of this anymore. all of this everything is too much and not enough. it feels like i just need to break down and cry but i can’t cry, i haven’t cried over my emotions in ages, at least 5 years but i didn’t really cry before that. It now takes a really good book to make be shed a tear or two but its never actual crying its just like my brain is leaking because everything is overflowing my emotions, my thoughts, everything is too much. 

Friday 20 July 2012

Everything is frustrating right now. I can’t distinguish my feelings. I can’t figure out what i want or what to do. I hate it when i get like this. 

Wednesday 18 July 2012

I miss you. I know that you’re probably one of the only people who reads this, so this is for you. I want you here.  More accurately i want to be there with you, in london. I feel so selfish for wanting so much of you, but i can’t help it. I can’t sleep and I’m extremely frustrated with my recent insomnia. I even went and made tea but before i could drink all of it, it got cold. I love you and i love everything about you. Remember in “Fault” about the hamartia… i hope our hamartia isn’t too overwhelming. I miss you, my love. Nothing more would make me smile as much as sharing a space with you. I’ve enjoyed exploring your mind as much as i have been recently; you’re remarkable. I know you are going to tell me I should have texted you but i want you to sleep, you looked so tired earlier. Love Always, xx

Sunday July 15, 2012 9:54 PM

I think it’s really funny when someone who used to just be another person suddenly becomes the person who is in all of your thoughts all of the day. I don’t know how all of this is happening but it feels right to me. It almost feels like we’ve know each other our whole lives we’ve just never met it. I guess that what its all about though, finding someone who is an extension of you but then at the same time they’re so much more than you would have ever imagined. It’s like all of the sudden there is something to lose and its terrifying. But i will make this promise, i will not break your heart. I have had mine destroyed and i know what it does to a person, but if you’re lucky enough maybe someone can come into your life and try to rebuild your heart, i know it will be a hell of a journey but maybe its supposed to be, maybe it will help us grow together in ways we never imagined. I hope it does because I’ve endured the results of love ending, even though it never ends not really, and it horrible.

Sunday, July 8, 2012 11:58 PM

So i just realized that one of the most awesome people lives 4218 miles (6788 km) away.  It’s like all of the people who are really truly awesome have to be separated by a vast number of miles as to not have too much awesome in one area. 

Thurs. April 19, 2012 

Therapy today was so intense. i felt like i was going to explode… 

I just finished redecorating my room and this is the end result I love it so much… #ramble-ings

Getting a new perspective… sitting on the floor.